When Vicki Shaw unexpectedly lost her eldest daughter, Winnie, her world was completely up-ended.
Winnie was just 22.
With her daughter no longer in her life, Vicki struggled to find a way forward.
“The world just kept going and I just found it really hard to understand how that could happen when I’d lost such a big piece of my world,” Vicki said.
“I wanted to run away. I had nervous energy and anxiety and it wasn’t very comfortable.
“If I couldn’t sleep I’d get up and run to work off that energy … and find that good feeling.”
With two other children to care for, Vicki wanted to find a way through her suffocating grief.
“I needed to reset myself, grieve, feel better, heal and come back to be the mum that they deserve — without feeling so lost,” she said.
So Vicki set her sights on the Heysen Trail in South Australia.
At 1,200 kilometres long, the trail is Australia’s longest-marked walking track.
Snaking all the way from the cliffs of Cape Jervis in the south, to the red desert and mountains of Parachilna in the Flinders Ranges, the landscapes along the Heysen Trail are both breathtaking and punishing.
After 12 months of preparation with a running coach, Vicki embarked on her solo journey, which became a steady path towards healing.
Trekking through grief
Amid her intense grief, Vicki said the solitude and “space” she experienced along the Heysen Trail was helpful by “not having to put on a brave face”.
“You could get up in the morning and … [if you] felt like you needed to cry, you could … because there’s no one around. You could just let it all out,” she said.
“Everywhere, each and every day … was just that space.
“I loved being alone. That’s exactly what I needed.”
Trekking along epic coastlines, through pine forests, farmland, native bushland and historic townships, Vicki spent the journey reflecting on her daughter’s young life.
“I don’t think there was one second that passed where I was not thinking of her; thinking of her life growing up, all the conversations we had, everything we did together,” she said.
“The whole time she was just always with me.
“I’m not really sure what happens when we pass away, but now I like to think that she’s everywhere and, without the noise of everyday life, I’m more likely to connect with her out on the trail in the middle of nowhere.”
Vicki completed about 40 kilometres of the trail each day through a mixture of running and walking.
In memory of Winnie, she scattered petals from her funeral flowers along the way.
“Every time I got to a spot on the trail, whether it was up somewhere beautiful or at a hut that I found special or a little camping spot, I would just leave a handful of petals all along my journey,” she said.
“So I had a trail of her with me and behind me.
“That did help me to move forward and leave something behind — leave some of that grief.”
Confronting her fears
Along the Heysen Trail, Vicki was tested both emotionally and physically.
She encountered some “sticky situations” including steep coastal cliffs and being stalked by a dingo in the Flinders Ranges National Park.
On the third day of her journey, and not realising dingoes were in the area, Vicki heard an “awful, screechy howl” that she assumed was a fox.
“It was this huge dingo. It wouldn’t go ahead and it followed me for 12 kilometres,” she said.
“I didn’t know what it was going to do.”
She tried putting a podcast on and pretending to talk to someone, but as the dingo got closer she decided to stay silent.
“When I climbed down and got to a rocky part – I had a rock in my hand.
“[The dingo] got real close and I just panicked. I threw the rock at it and growled at it.”
Vicki was also forced to confront her “big fear” of heights.
“They were little goat tracks on the side of a hill,” she said.
“Your heart is racing … one wrong step and you can fall.”
By the time Vicki neared the end of her journey, she’d reached the cliff faces of the SA coast; despite an initial “fear factor”, she was determined not to let that stop her from finishing.
“Nothing was going to put me off,” she said.
“By the time I got there, I’d gone through so much and it wasn’t as scary as it first was.
“Building up that resilience.”
A sense of achievement
After finishing the Heysen Trail in 25 days, Vicki said she felt “fantastic”.
“I feel like I can just achieve anything now,” she said.
“I’ve put myself in those positions of fear and uncomfortable zones and [getting to the end] feels great.”
As well as the personal achievement, Vicki said the scenery along the trail was “gorgeous”.
“Everything changes. It starts out red earth, landscape rocky looks like a painting, so beautiful,” she said.
“I needed to find beauty in the world.
“I struggled for a long time after [Winnie] passed to do that, and then when I was out on the trail it was just so easy to just look up and see everything around you and … the world is still beautiful.”
Despite her journey being helpful for her grief, Vicki is pragmatic about her heartache.
“I suffered an extreme loss and anyone who’s lost a child would tell you that it’s just the most unbearable pain,” she said.
“I think I’m never going be fine with it.”
But she has learned the power of solitude as she navigates her grief.
“The healing process is going to be continuous, it’s never going to be OK, and I think there will be those times where something like this is needed and I really want to spend some time again on my own.”
Stream the Back Roads Heysen Trail episode anytime on ABC iview or watch the latest episode on ABC TV Tuesday at 8:00pm.