Ruth’s daily trips to her husband’s grave are helping her make peace with her grief

Ruth Firstbrook sits down beside her husband Roger’s grave and updates him on how the local bowls club is faring, how Wales is doing in the rugby, and how his mum is getting on.

It’s a routine she’s built into her life over the past five years.

She makes the trip to the cemetery where he is buried every morning at 8am — rain, hail or shine.

Ruth lost Roger, her soulmate of 30 years, after an unsuccessful liver transplant.

Although she had experienced loss when her father passed away some years ago, nothing could have prepared her for the days and months after Roger died. 

“I was just numb,” she said.

“You think to yourself, I’ve now got a whole life and the person I was going to share it with isn’t here anymore.

“Roger and I worked together, lived together and we have no children, so the way that we relate to each other is different.”

But after the initial shock and loss, Ruth said she found comfort and a way through her grief by incorporating Roger into her days. 

While some may think Ruth’s daily ritual is strange, grief counsellors and social workers say there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and more Australians should reconsider how they talk about and view grief. 

Embracing life after loss 

Ruth and Roger had planned how they would spend their retirement years so she made the decision to keep those goals as a way to move through her grief. 

Ruth has travelled overseas to places she and Roger had planned to visit together and made memories she knew he would have loved to have shared.

One of the last conversations they had was about whether they would attend the 2023 Rugby World Cup in France. Although Roger didn’t make it, Ruth made sure she did. 

“There’s only one person physically here now, but I’m going to live our life,” she said. 

From the day she made that decision, Ruth’s perspective on grief changed. 

“I laugh a lot more and I laugh with him,” she said. 

“You see things on the telly and I’ll say, ‘Oh God, you’d be hating this’, or I’ll go in the garden and I’ll say, ‘Wow your plants aren’t doing very well honey’.” 

She said her shift in perspective had helped her to connect more deeply with some of those closest to her.  

“My best friends know [what I do] and think it’s absolutely gorgeous and say to me, ‘How’s Roger this morning’,” she said. 

Learning to ‘grow around’ grief

But Ruth said there was a “she’ll be right” mentality in Australia and people who were grieving were often encouraged to “get over it”. 

“I think the assumption is that you should be over it by now, but it feels like yesterday to me,” she said. 

“You sort of feel like you’re failing because in the eyes of [others], they believe you should’ve gotten over it. 

“I had a really enjoyable life with him and for me there’s no reason to change it. Why should I?”

Dr Jane Mowll, from the University of New South Wales, has dedicated her career to understanding grief. 

She said there was a common misconception when it came to loss.

“I think there is a stigma about grief and there is still a sense that people should be very sad at the beginning and then get over it, and that’s just not the case,” she said. 

“For some people, grief is not something they ever get over or move on from, rather they learn to grow around their grief and make room for it in their life.

“Researchers over the last 20 years have found it’s very common for people to have what’s been phrased as ‘a continuing bond’ with the person they love who died.” 

Dr Mowll explained this bond could manifest as a feeling that their loved one was still there, talking to the deceased aloud, or by signs such as the appearance of an animal or creature.

“It’s very common and it can be helpful for people to be able to understand that it’s OK and there is nothing wrong with them for doing that,” Dr Mowll said.

What to do when you don’t know what to say

Dr Mowll said when a loved one was grieving, the most important thing to do was to show up and let them know what support you could offer. 

“It’s important to remember that experiencing pain and grief doesn’t mean that they’re not living a meaningful life,” she said. 

Back in her cosy Riverland home, Ruth said compassion and understanding from loved ones helped her to cope with the early stages of loss.

She said it was advice she’d give to others who may be unsure how to help friends or relatives struggling with grief.

“Just because your friend has lost someone doesn’t mean you have to adopt a whole different friendship,” she said.

“You also don’t need to leave the person [who died] out of the conversation; don’t not talk about the person who’s passed.” 

And Ruth said that while her grief had evolved, not a day went by when she didn’t miss her soulmate. 

“The thing I miss the most is I just want a hug,” she said.

“I want his arms around me, you know, him towering over me because I’m quite short as Roger regularly pointed out.

“If you’d had a rotten day at work or something, you think, ‘Oh I’m going to go home, get a cuddle and I’ll feel a lot better’ but that isn’t there anymore.”