Lots of people would rather not think about what sex will be like later in life.
Partly because younger people might struggle with the idea that older people, in fact, do have sex and partly because there’s a myth that sex is only enjoyable when you’re young and beautiful.
Linda Kirkman is a Bendigo-based sexologist and works with clients of all ages.
Dr Kirkman says while there are no absolutes, sex can certainly get better as you age.
“[My PhD] research shows … that people in their 50s and 60s were having the best sex of their lives,” Dr Kirkman says.
She says part of the reason is a shift in social pressure and what’s expected in relationships.
“If people start out in relationships where they’re both committed to prioritising positive sexuality and willing to be adventurous and explore and prioritise pleasure, then [sex] in a long-term relationship tends to just get better and better with age,” Dr Kirkman says.
She says sex often didn’t improve with age when it’s seen as a duty or chore.
“Part of the issue is really poor sexuality education, understanding about what pleasure is possible, and how to communicate about it.”
‘I have just as much desire as I had when I was younger’
Phil, who wants to use just his first name to protect his privacy, is a 67-year-old from the Goulburn Valley who says, in many ways, sex does get better with age.
“You become more aware, more unselfish in your action, and unhurried in the whole thing and that’s just wonderful,” he says.
Phil had been married for 25 years and then had a long-term partner for another seven years, but now is searching for “that magical connection”.
He says his biggest misconception growing up was that as you got older you wouldn’t bother with sex.
“I thought desire would fall off [but] I have just as much desire as I had when I was younger,” Phil says.
He says he thinks men’s interests change in sex as they grow older.
“You realise that when you’re a young bloke … you’re looking to satisfy yourself, it can be very selfish. But when you grow older, you become much more generous,” Phil says.
Phil says he enjoys non-sexual foreplay, whether it’s cooking a meal, watching a movie, or sitting and talking.
“Sex is just the icing on the cake as far as I’m concerned. I think sometimes guys look at sex as being the be all and end all and I think that’s quite wrong. I think it’s the culmination of intimacy.”
He says while his physical capabilities have changed over time, he feels like there’s more to it.
“I can remember making love to someone about five times in an afternoon as a young man. There’s no way in the world I could do that now. But I can still satisfy the partner that I have … in different ways,” he says.
Sex is not only for the young and beautiful
Dr Kirkman says there is certainly a trope that old people having sex is somehow “icky”, which can influence how people feel about themselves.
She says people can fall into the trap that sex is only for young and beautiful people.
“The most important sex organ is between your ears … it’s your brain, how you think about sex, and what it means doing pleasure,” she says.
Dr Kirkman says some media are changing perceptions around sex and ageing like Grace and Frankie — a show about 70-year-old women looking for love and sex.
“I think [the stigma around sex and age] is improving and people are being more open to positive relationships across their life span and changing partners or finding a new partner,” she says.
Not limitations but possibilities
Dr Kirkman says people’s sexual preferences and abilities change over time.
“When you were in your 20s, what car did you drive and what music did you listen to? And then in your 40s, and what about in your 60s?” Dr Kirkman says.
“You’re not driving the same car. The car you drive now will have very different kinds of capacities and options from the car you drove when you were 20 — so don’t expect your body or the way that you engage with it to be the same.
“It’s just being open to work[ing] differently with what you’ve got.”
“There’s still nerve endings and the potential for connection and pleasure and sensation.
“And devices that are specifically designed to induce and maintain an erection without using injections or other drugs.”
Similarly, your music taste changes over time as do your sexual interests.
Some people realise when they get older that their sexuality or gender identity might not be as rigid as they thought.
“Some people are transitioning in their 60s or coming out as same-sex attracted or bisexual when they’re older,” Dr Kirkman says.
“With age and also a sense of running out of time — if you’re not going to do it now, when are you going to try this?”
Sex in aged care
Council on the Ageing Victoria’s education manager Frankie Freeman says people’s sexuality is sometimes ignored or denied in aged care facilities.
“There’s probably a tendency for those settings to be a little bit restrictive … [and not acknowledge that adults] are entitled to take some level of risk and have some autonomy [over] how they run their life,” Ms Freeman says.
She says older people may find it difficult to have conversations with medical professionals on things like lubrication and erectile dysfunction.
“While they are absolutely [a] natural [part of ageing], unfortunately, they’re seen as inevitable … when actually there are interventions that can be put in place to respond or prevent some of those symptoms that impact on people’s sex lives.”
Celebrating Ageing director Catherine Barrett has co-edited a book about the sexual rights of older people.
“There’s stigma [about sex] in aged care, and that the stigma comes from service providers, it comes from other residents, but it also comes from family members,” Dr Barrett says.
Dr Barrett says a lack of sex education for older people is part of the reason there are high rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in these demographics.
“They haven’t been given information on sexual rights, they haven’t been given sexuality education, as we have with young people,” she says.
Dr Barrett says ageism underpins the stigma older people face about sex.
“That’s why we’ve taken the rights-based framework because we want to say to people: this is a really fundamental human right that older people have to be sexual,” she says.
She says while some providers are taking this on board there is still a way to go.
“Intimate relationships [are] incredibly important for older people and that can be a real bright spot.”
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